黄西在美国记者年会上的演讲视频

2010年3月17日，黄西Joe Wong受邀在美国记者年会晚宴上表演脱口秀，一个土生土长的中国人如何在美国的记者年会上，用幽默征服了全场美国人，并当面调侃美国副总统约瑟夫·拜登(Joseph Robinette "Joe" Biden, Jr)，而他用这种幽默也带给我们思考，中国和美国到底差在哪里?中国又将怎ô进步?!

黄西（Joe Wong），出生于吉林省白山市八道江区河口乡，中国内地主持人。

1990年毕业于中国吉林大学，主修生物化学专业。1994年到美国留学，念书取得博士学λ，就业结婚生子留在美国。2002年，黄西在美国的一个俱乐部得到了登台表演的机会。2003年参加波士顿国际喜剧节并进入决赛。2009年，黄西被邀请到美国收视率最高的《大卫·莱特曼秀》上表演脱口秀。2011年11月25日，出版个人自传《黄瓜的黄，西瓜的西》。2013年起，担任《是真的吗？》栏目主持人。2015年1月26日，开启全国个人脱口秀巡演。

My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.
我叫黄西，但对于大多数人来说，我叫“Who”（HU），这实际上是我妈妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡密保问题的答案。

（开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什ô。）

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.
抛开玩笑，我想重申今晚我的确是受邀而来的。

（因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。）

I grew up in China. Who didn’t?
我在中国长大，谁不是呢？

（装作无知，认为ÿ个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。）

Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.
我童年的大部分记忆都被童年毁了。我上小学时，作为课程的一部分，我要在稻田劳动，旁边紧挨着一个采石场，他们常常要用炸药来炸开石头。我就是从那里了解了光比声音传播速度快的，因为声音总是和飞石差不多一样的速度。

（主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后¡¡爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。）

My dad was a grumpy guy. But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”
我爸爸脾气暴躁，但他偶尔会开个玩笑，给我点鼓励。我7岁的时候他跟我说，“儿子，你知道为什ô豆腐比集中的社会主义经济好吗？”5分钟后我问“为什ô？”他告诉我：“因为是老子说的。”

（形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那ô久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。）

In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.
1994年，我来到美国在德州的莱斯大学学习。此处不是笑话，现在是了。我开着一辆二手车，保险杠上贴满了撕不下去的标签，其中一个写道“如果你不会讲英语，滚回家吧！”我直到两年后才明白它的意思。

（That wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身就是一个ì盾。）

We always wanted my son to become the president. We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public. Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”
我们总是幻想有一天自己的儿子成为总统。我们给他双语的教育，让他在家讲中文，到公共场合说英语。可有时候我不得不在公共场合对他说，“如果你不讲英语，滚回家吧！”他就会说，“我为什ô要学两种语言呢？”我告诉他，“当你成为总统以后，你必须要用英语来签署法案，用中文和你的债权国对话。”

（此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；委婉表达了中国是美国的债权国。）

After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”
从莱斯大学毕业后，我决定留在美国，因为有一件事我在中国肯定不如在美国能做得更好——具有民族特色。为了成为美国公民，我们移民必须要学习美国历史，很多问题诸如“本杰明·富兰克林是谁？” 我们想“啊...导致我们便利店被劫的原因？” “第二修正案是什ô？” 我们就“啊...导致我们便利店被劫的原因？” “Roe vs Wade是什ô？” 我们又“啊...来到美国的两种途径？”

（用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。）

Later I read a lot about American history. So much so that I started to feel white guilt.  In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.
之后我读了很多关于美国历史的书，以至于我都产生了白人负罪感。在美国人人生而平等，但出生后，就要看父母对子女在教育和医疗上的支付能力了。

（这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎ô会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。）

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed message! I think there was a movie about him. It’s called “Kill Bill”.
我在《男人健康》杂志上看到奥巴马总统ÿ周都有两天做有氧运动，四天做举重锻炼。我不用健身的，因为我有医疗保险。我住在马萨诸塞州，提供统一医疗保险，之后Scott Brown当上议员，说得有点乱，我想有部电影是关于Brown议员的，叫《Kill Bill》。

（这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。）

We have Mr. vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I have read your autobiography and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.
拜登副总统也出席了今晚的晚宴。我曾经读过您的自传，现在终于有幸见到您，我觉得还是书上的更好看一些，他们应该让布拉德·皮特或是安吉丽娜·茱丽来出演您的故事。

（美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。）

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers. I once wrote for the campus newspaper. Journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer)”
今晚还有很多著名的新闻界认识，我把你们看做我的同事，因为我也曾经为校报写过报道。我认为新闻ý体是双关语最后的避难所。只有在报纸上我才可以说，“我出生在马年，所以我是个反对派。”

（马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，nay这个词常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。）

This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!
今天我第一次上CSPAN频道，当我受不了PBS和QVC频道太过煽动的节目时我常常要看CSPAN。要是看完CSPAN我还睡不着觉的话，还有CSPAN-2和CSPAN-3嘛！

（PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这ô干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控¼像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。）

I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event. I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform. Take that Stephen Colbert! Obama has been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it. You can’t get more bad-ass than that! The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.
我受到今晚活动的邀请的确很激动。我曾在总统面前表演过我的笑话，这就是为什ô奥巴马总统决定今晚不来了，据说他都开始考虑移民改革了。Stephen Colbert，看到了吧！奥巴马被批评过于软弱，但他正指导着两场战争，还被授予了诺贝尔和平奖，而且他竟然还接受了。û有比这更滑稽的了！或许要做到比这更荒谬的事只能是把得来的和平奖金再捐给军队吧。

（奥巴马û到，但也û忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。相当于说：怎ô样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛吧。）

I finally became a US citizen in 2008. Thank you! America is number one! That’s true! We won the World Series every year!
我终于在2008年成为了美国公民，谢谢各λ！美国是老大，这是真的，我们ÿ年不都是联赛冠军嘛！

（讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。）

After becoming the U.S. citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden. (Turn and face Biden) You are welcome. You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.
成为美国公民后，我立即注册投票给了奥巴马和拜登。（对着拜登说）不客气。你们那句“Yes we can”打动了我。这是他们的竞选口号。

After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself. I have to explain a little here. I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell. Now we have a president who is half black half white. That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.
帮助他们获胜后，我内心的力量涌动，开始思考或许自己也可以角逐总统这个职λ。我需要在这里稍作解释下，我一直是个抑郁悲观的人，我认为人生就好像在漆黑的冬夜在雪地里小便，你或许能做些许变化，但真的很难预言。现在我们有了一λ一半白人血统、一半黑人血统的总统，这给了我很大希望，因为我是一半非白人血统、一半非黑人血统，负负得正嘛！

（Two negatives make a positive，还有下一句的，这次û说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。）

So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. You too? I understand that Americans are suffering. My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”
所以我的美国同胞们，你们或许想知道我的竞选口号是什ô。你想，我在过去的十年里度过了整整十个春秋，你们也是啊？我知道美国人日子不好过，因此我的口号就是“Hu cares!(Who cares！)”

If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote. You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like:”Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”
如果我当选，我会让同性婚姻不仅合法，而且必须，这样我会得到很多年轻选民的票。我现在已经结婚了，但我过去真的很恐惧婚姻，我常常想“天哪，竟有一半的婚姻最终是走过一生的！”

I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.
我会设法减少失业，方法是减少美国人的生产效率，让两个人干一个人的活，就像副总统和总统这样，或者是Olson双胞胎这样。

（不断地调侃总统和副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在full house里。）

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes. If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.
除了心脏病和癌症，大多数美国人都是死于自然死亡，如果我当选，我会设法找到治愈自然死亡的方法，当然这是无法获得医疗保险的，我们会在你买保险前检查你的身体状况。

（pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。）

I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius. It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40! You are welcome! I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.
我有一个解决全球变暖的最快办法，我会要求将华氏温度改为摄氏温度，原先100度，现在变成40度啦。不客气。我在外交方面也有一套，因为我来自中国，我可以在后院监视俄罗斯。

On foreign policy. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive; open dialog is too slow. If elected, I will go with text messaging. I’ll text our allies just to say hi; and text our enemies when they are driving. “OMG you are making nuclear weapons! But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”
提到外交政策，我认为单边主义代价太大，开放对话进程缓慢。如果我当选，我会采取发短信的方式。我会给我们的盟国发去短信，简答的打声招呼；给我们的敌人发去短信，当他们开车的时候，“哦天哪，你正在制作核武器，但你做得不对，大笑”。

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor! This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing. Thank you.
我要感谢美国记者协会今天对我的邀请和给予的殊荣，这是我第一次希望我3岁的儿子能知道他的父亲在做什ô。谢谢大家！